.png)
Do you ever notice feelings that arise the same time each year/season? November always brings this déjà vu sense for me. In this great big world out there, it reminds me of just how small I am in it; even at times whispering a feeling of loneliness... and at the same time how “it” is me and I am “it”. It reminds me of that saying, you are not a wave in the ocean, you ARE the ocean... more specifically Rumi’s sapient words, “You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in a drop”. I guess they both convey the same message. Contemplation of this makes the smallness fade away quickly and reminds me to acknowledge that feeling when it arises, and work through to the other side of it, where I am able to [and do in fact] believe in my worth, being this immense and vast presence that is “the ocean”.
While I have continued to face the parts of me that need healing - that bubble up in such a way, with each of these experiences that cycle through, I feel less and less a disconnect from self and spirit and more and more connected with- and to spirit. I feel the wholest I’ve ever felt in my life right now, and now... and now. Still my fears show up and take over at times.
I guess it’s the Scorpio energy of present that has me in its watery emotional loop. It takes me into the depths of my subconscious and stirs up those areas that still need healing. But also (as a dear friend pointed out to me 🙏🏼) this process and these experiences, allow me the opportunity to reflect upon my growth and expansion, over the last couple years particularly. How far I have come; how much I have grown to truly connect with and love myself. I really have gone through a deep period of healing and transformation, these last couple of years especially. Today I was able to witness it, after putting all the pieces together, and realize in hindsight it was all a chain reaction of sorts. It was also concrete evidence that there is a constant communication with the Universe, with spirit, with our angels/guides. Nothing is coincidental.
Why am I sharing all of this? Firstly, because it is important to not...
... it is important to not solely see an end result, but rather understand that the process isn’t always a perfect one. Life is a beautiful story of our imperfections being refined. Life isn’t always/only high vibin’; a spiritual journey is certainly not... not a truly transformational one anyway. Life’s energetic cycles, and/or encounters with our shadow side, while it can be uncomfortable to be present to, brings the necessary balance and opportunity for growth and expansion. Yes connection to spirit is an elevated vibrational state of being, but it’s not a “high vibes only” space- at least not in my practice. High vibe state of being is beautiful, but simplistic and easy; and a “high vibes only” mindset is just toxic, in my opinion, because it bypasses reality. It is in the more complex - and at times challenging - moments of acknowledging and embracing our shadow, where the potential for the most profound and transformational growth exists. Secondly, because I constantly “ask” - the Universe, Source, my angels and ancestors - and I constantly “receive” [answers]. I didn’t always do this or wasn’t even aware it was possible to have this ongoing communication. I’m wondering if this resonates with anyone else. I feel the more I do it, the stronger it gets, even though often it’s subtle if you’re not paying attention. It’s a practice. Sometimes I make a fun game of it [as in those heart shaped rocks ♡ ].
The path of growth is not linear. I envision it like a never-ending spiral, where we are constantly coming back around to our wounds to explore a deeper layer of healing. For me it’s a bit of a messy spiral, and a bit all over the place; like a cloud of squiggles at times... and I’m okay with that.
Every moment provides us choices to either keep us stuck where we are, or to a deeper understanding and remembering of why we are here, as was evident in my experiences today; even if they seem small or insignificant at the time, something as simple as, do I go walk by the water [this morning] or go to be in nature? What I really felt to do was just to stay in bed, but knew that would do me no good. [side note - this is where the power of creating good habits and rituals/practices kicks in].
After reflecting upon and connecting all the dots of today - of the “small and insignificant circumstances”, something so simple as that choice ended up being another amazing communication with the Universe and my guide(s); confirmation of everything I had been feeling around this déjà-vu energy. And a reminder that even when it feels like no one has my back, I am ALWAYS supported and divinely guided, even when I’m not present to it. This knowing encourages me to BE more present to it, and acknowledge and engage with it, especially when I don’t feel like it or feel like I have the energy to be present in the moment. ✧
Image credit: Matias Alonso Revelli